A true blog entry

Upon arriving home from work today I realized that my drilling of "don't forget your notebook, don't forget your notebook..." as I went about my work day was little help. I ended up leaving my notebook at work...more specifically my Relief Society binder, something that I could not do without on a weekend. It is my lifeline to my duties that seem to start Saturday morning and end Sunday night. SO, after throwing in my first batch of laundry, (there ended up being 5 tonight), I drove all the way back to north Ogden, unlocked the building, grabbed my binder (and my Gardettos), reset the alarm, and drove all the way back home. I made good time...a cop followed me for about 8 minutes. I believe I may have been speeding as I passed him on the side of the road. Funny, I saw him but was so much enjoying my windows rolled down and singing "This is the New Year" by Ian Axel, that I smiled at the cop and didn't even bother looking at my speedometer. Ha! I'm very certain he had every intention of pulling me over. I even turned down a very random street to test my theory....he was, indeed, following me. However, something possessed him to let me off the hook and he turned down a different street after I came to a complete stop at a stop sign across the street from the temple. The irony. I was grateful.

As soon as I got home, the sunglasses were off and I was putting another batch in the wash. I realized something...I actually enjoy doing my laundry. Simple epiphany, I know, but I have to wonder, what is it exactly that would possess me to turn down a perfectly good bonfire I had been invited to on a perfectly good friday night by a perfectly decent stranger to sit at home and listen to the clinking noise of my jean zippers on the sides of the dryer?? Doesn't make much sense, I know but there it is nonetheless. My Friday night was just beginning and my personal enjoyments/kicks and giggle for the evening were coming alive.

If you know me, you know I love movies. Netflix is pure manna from filmmakers heaven ::sigh:: It has been a long while, sadly, since I've had time to turn on a new flick and say I enjoyed something. Having 5 batches of laundry, however, proved a perfect excuse to turn something on to fold freshly laundered clothes to. I picked a show I hadn't heard much about but couldn't have been more pleased. "Julie and Julia". Brilliant. I am big on inspiration. I recall going to see "p.s. i love you" in the movie theater when I lived in California. I was big on going to matinees then and on one particular day that was the winner. I bawled my eyes out. I don't do that a lot in movies, especially in public, but there I sat, the theater basically empty except for 3 older tender hearts on the back row of the theater (also bawling their eyes out). I don't recall ever watching anything that made me think as much as that movie did at that time in my life. I went home all ponderous and whimsical-like in wondering who I was and what I wanted to do with myself. Where was my "muchness" (as the Mad Hatter would say) and how could I find it?
Creative as my brain is, I immediately picked up a notebook and began simply putting things down on paper. Why? I hadn't the foggiest. But I did it. Did I find my muchness with a paper and a pen? No. Don't be sad, that's not the end of my story.

So I'm watching "Julie and Julia" and getting a lot of the same feelings I had once upon a time in that dark theater in California. I'm loving the movie, the concept, the acting, the detail and all of sudden I'm feeling much more meaning in every small moment I'm blessed to be having as I'm doing my laundry and going about the house. Of course it pushed me right into writing this all down tonight. I can't believe how easy it is to just let the words come. Once upon a time I used to be able to do this in my journal or in little stories I would begin writing, but of course I would never finish them and I would always get away from writing. I'm grateful for this release. If no one ever reads a single word I write I would never care. It is given me opportunity to have experiences and to be able to express them as I will. So what if I'm not clever or smart in my writing? Who cares if I don't touch the universe or plant a seed that inspires someone as I have been inspired in times past. Sometimes we do things for the good of ourselves and the detoxifying of our heats and souls. This is healing and therapeutic in my little world. This is real and contains substance that reads "Kelsee" all over it. Through words straight from my thoughts and heart, I'm learning more of who I am.

Did you know that I have a sock monster in my house? or possibly just the washroom...or my bedroom. It's true. Somehow I always end up with lonely socks, lying helpless next to all the other socks who have mates. I am saddened for them. Where are their better halves??
Maybe in New York, like mine ::sigh::

Time to say goodnight.

Sand Volleyball

Tonights FHE activity was sand volleyball!! Fantastic! My team was righteous. Cindy brought her game face and a ball with Willson painted on it (just like the one in "Cast Away"...yes, it was awesome); Clint may not be a tall man, but he can still spike it; Jordan is the best forward puncher in volleyball history; Tawny has a mean serving streak (5 aces in a row); I, well I'm entertaining to watch...I believe that is a contribution...somehow...haha; and Dan, he kept us pumped up and really kept his head in  the game. We didn't do too bad. I think we won more than half the games we played, but most of all we had fun. It was healthy to laugh and feel fun penetrating into my routine in life once again.
I love my ward. It is filled with uplifting, good and happified people. It is a blessing. Beautiful are the blessings that this life brings, given us by our Father in Heaven who loves and watches over.

Capable

So this may seem menial to most, but I accomplished something at lunch that I felt proud of.
A few months ago my car started making this noise that wasn't a normal noise. It sounded like I was continually running over those little yellow tabs that they sometimes put on the lines in the road. Could never figure out what the deal was. I was afraid it had something to do with my tires and i was not looking forward to paying to have that figured out. Well, the noise started to go away a few weeks ago but every once and a while I would hear it. By happy chance, I noticed something hanging down in the front of my car as I drove past a store and saw the reflection in the window. So, today at lunch, in my work clothes, I pulled my little friend up on the car raisers at my parents house, wheeled myself right up underneath her and ::light bulb:: found the problem. Part of the plastic guard on the front has snagged on something at some point and was flapping around as I drove. Part of it had gotten sheered off from dragging on the road (which would explain the noise starting to go away this last little while) but there was still a small flap of plastic hanging down. I grabbed my dad's sheers and trimmed it all up nice and neat, and I believe that will solve the mystery. (cross your fingers) It was just a nice boost to my confidence to know I'm not one of those helpless sissy girls who can't investigate a car dilemma. Call me a little less feminine, but I actually enjoy working on cars and getting a little messy. I feel accomplished. Pat on the back, don't mind if I do.

Things to be said...

Went to dinner tonight with a bunch of ladies/friends that I work with. We went to Javiers and ate way too many helpings of chips and salsa...but it was delicious. We just had a good chat and a few laughs. I'm grateful to have fun people I can socialize with. Here are a few of my favorite lines from the night:

"I don't do beverages very well"-Tanya
"Hello, I'm the Moron Monitor. I just stopped by to inform you that you are a serious moron. Carry on"-Me (directed at Michelle and her awesome outlook on other peoples lives ha)
"He went in to kiss me and I just couldn't get away...sneezed right in his face!"-Michelle
"Pretty sure I just shot snot into my drink"-Tanya
"What? we're not good enough for you you have to text other people?"-Kathy (directed at Tawny who didn't hear a word she said but then looked up and said...)
"Oh wha? Something about embarrassing moments and texting...yeah I heard you."-Tawny
"When you can laugh about laundry you are in good shape"-Tanya
"Don't crunch my face!"-Diane
"Dumped hot coffee right in my lap. It was hot and I was loud. Yup right in my...lap"-Kathy
"I looked and she fell with all the tater-tots, then I peed"-Tanya

[Memories] 

outlast the lights that flash and the time that flies. 

I'm grateful for memories, specifically memorable use of vocabulary :)

Identity

I have been concerned lately with "who I am", feeling like I lack the identity needed to be able to claim that I know who I am. Through recent words of scripture and prophets and much pondering I've realized that the discovery of our true identity happens in and through our Savior Jesus Christ, living His gospel, and learning his teachings. With such realization and more eternal goals in mind, I decided to purchase a new triple combination. I hope to dive into the living waters and begin absorbing knowledge I've truly been missing.

I have set a temple goal. No date yet, but while talking with my bishop I decided that striving to enter the temple, worthy and prepared, would be an excellent way to focus my good intentions and turn them into patterns of righteousness that I hope to pursue for the rest of eternity.

I have decided not to have my name put on my new set of scriptures until I am able and worthy to enter the temple. It will serve as a symbol of discovering my identity. By obtaining and maintaining a temple recommend I will be able to say that I know who I am... Kelsee...A daughter of a divine Heavenly Father and a disciple of Jesus Christ, who has made it possible for me to have a life of substance, meaning and every lasting happiness I could ever imagine.

I'm grateful for growth and
opportunity
and [humbled]
by
His grace and
Love.

360 Degree Turn...

Went up to Jordanelle reservoir  last night for our ward camp out. They went up thursday, friday and saturday, but I had work all week so I couldn't make it up till late friday. Tawny and I drove up as soon as we could get off work and out the door...and got lost. Took us 2 times longer to get there than it should have. The directions they gave us were terrible. I felt bad because I was suppose to help with dinner but by the time I got there they were finished.

It was fun to see everyone but at the same time it was very hard. It is so difficult to be around your peers when you feel like you've let them down. I wasn't myself that night or this morning either. I couldn't bring myself to stay longer than eating breakfast and cleaning up aloud.

I spent friday with Tawny right by my side and we called it a night before they were even done watching a movie or before the campfire and chit chat died down. We proved quite the campers, Tawny and I, setting up and being totally cozy all on our own. We crawled in and read scriptures and talked for a while about how I was feeling. I'm grateful for Tawny. Very grateful.

We woke up in the morning, ate some breakfast. Walked around the camp ground to go get my car, cleaned up all our gear, loaded up and after a few quick goodbyes to my bishop, left. I don't think I made very many friends while up there this weekend...but I don't know how I could have been different.

When we got home I had to hurry and shower and put together Kylee's baby shower gift. Her friend Kaylee was throwing her a shower and fortunately I was invited. Kylee is very VERY pregnant. She's not due for four more weeks but looks like she's about to pop any second. She's adorable in every way though. I was struggling with wanting to go for a little while because of the way I am feeling. I wasn't sure I could handle happy, married ladies chatting about family and babies all afternoon. But I am very grateful I went. It made me a little unhappy for some reason, but I needed to be there. When I left I wasn't in a very good mood. Tawny was planning on taking me to dinner and down to sit in front of the Bountiful temple and talk (we did that once before and she proved an angel in my life for the millionth time) and I felt bad but I was pretty unhappy when we left.

When we went to get dinner it only got worse. My food was gross, I spilled on me twice, I ate too much of my gross food, got sick, then when we got to the temple the grounds were closed and it was raining even harder. I was trying not to be, but I was very grumpy by this time. I apologized to Tawny, who understood, and continued trying to clear my head. She parked on the side of the temple grounds looking up at the temple and began reading me quotes from a little book our friend made for her. I felt distant for a few minutes, but soon the spirit she brought through reading those words, soothed my soul and brought much needed peace and relief. I was so grateful for the things she said and her willingness to be a true friend and do something truly beneficial in her efforts to try and be there for me; comforting me with the gospel and the spirit and not just with silly things to try and make me forget my problems.

As she pulled the car around, the sun broke through the clouds. Suddenly the rain was a blessing, not a depressant. The meal we ate was a blessing, not a stomach upsetter. And the temple was a blessing and reality. The miracles and blessings and covenants made there were true and everlasting even if it was closed for cleaning. Then, as if to fully eliminate my pessimism, what we saw as we pulled into the grocery store on our way home sang to my heart like a precious, soothing lullaby promise...

It was a full, all the way across the sky, double rainbow. I could see every color so crisp and clear. The air was fresh with the clean scent of rain and the sun shown sharp and radiant against the shadowed mountains and I knew, at that very moment, God was watching me, sitting there in the parking lot, staring in awe at the beautiful, natural wonder before me.

I felt loved.
And I thank my Father in Heaven for that.

Compassion and Pink Lemondade Skies

My sister/friend, miss sara, called me right after work yesterday,
"Hey, wanna go to dinner?"
My robot response
"Sure."
After the initial shock that I was actually available to do something, sweet sara took me out to dinner to the new, never been discovered by me [but now favorited] , cafe Zupas.
This is a picture of the delectable salad I partook of...

Fresh Raspberries, Blueberries, Strawberries, Blackberries, Cinnamon Almonds,
Romaine Lettuce, and Poppyseed Dressing

Tingles my taste buds just thinking about it!!

Absolutely incredible and just what my stingy pallet needed to refresh my senses.
The salad, however, was just a side note. I am so grateful to my friend who was there for me that night. She didn't pry, but knew something was up and made me feel comfortable enough to open up and let my worries out. I didn't know if I would be able to open up at all that night because of recent events that have caused me to become closed off and shut down, but I was somehow able to tell her what happened to me. It felt like a huge weight lifted off my shoulders to sit and see her really listening to me. She knows what I'm going through and understands. She's been there too. She wasn't in a rush or annoyed that I was babbling.
She listened and cared.
It is a friendship like ours that sits pretty on a summer evening, and as we drove home, the sky was at its' best, filled with the hew of "Pink Lemonade" [-sara]
Beautiful.
I'm grateful for that night.
              I'm grateful for my friend.
                           I'm grateful for pink lemonade skies :)