It was fun to see everyone but at the same time it was very hard. It is so difficult to be around your peers when you feel like you've let them down. I wasn't myself that night or this morning either. I couldn't bring myself to stay longer than eating breakfast and cleaning up aloud.
I spent friday with Tawny right by my side and we called it a night before they were even done watching a movie or before the campfire and chit chat died down. We proved quite the campers, Tawny and I, setting up and being totally cozy all on our own. We crawled in and read scriptures and talked for a while about how I was feeling. I'm grateful for Tawny. Very grateful.
We woke up in the morning, ate some breakfast. Walked around the camp ground to go get my car, cleaned up all our gear, loaded up and after a few quick goodbyes to my bishop, left. I don't think I made very many friends while up there this weekend...but I don't know how I could have been different.
When we got home I had to hurry and shower and put together Kylee's baby shower gift. Her friend Kaylee was throwing her a shower and fortunately I was invited. Kylee is very VERY pregnant. She's not due for four more weeks but looks like she's about to pop any second. She's adorable in every way though. I was struggling with wanting to go for a little while because of the way I am feeling. I wasn't sure I could handle happy, married ladies chatting about family and babies all afternoon. But I am very grateful I went. It made me a little unhappy for some reason, but I needed to be there. When I left I wasn't in a very good mood. Tawny was planning on taking me to dinner and down to sit in front of the Bountiful temple and talk (we did that once before and she proved an angel in my life for the millionth time) and I felt bad but I was pretty unhappy when we left.
When we went to get dinner it only got worse. My food was gross, I spilled on me twice, I ate too much of my gross food, got sick, then when we got to the temple the grounds were closed and it was raining even harder. I was trying not to be, but I was very grumpy by this time. I apologized to Tawny, who understood, and continued trying to clear my head. She parked on the side of the temple grounds looking up at the temple and began reading me quotes from a little book our friend made for her. I felt distant for a few minutes, but soon the spirit she brought through reading those words, soothed my soul and brought much needed peace and relief. I was so grateful for the things she said and her willingness to be a true friend and do something truly beneficial in her efforts to try and be there for me; comforting me with the gospel and the spirit and not just with silly things to try and make me forget my problems.
As she pulled the car around, the sun broke through the clouds. Suddenly the rain was a blessing, not a depressant. The meal we ate was a blessing, not a stomach upsetter. And the temple was a blessing and reality. The miracles and blessings and covenants made there were true and everlasting even if it was closed for cleaning. Then, as if to fully eliminate my pessimism, what we saw as we pulled into the grocery store on our way home sang to my heart like a precious, soothing lullaby promise...
It was a full, all the way across the sky, double rainbow. I could see every color so crisp and clear. The air was fresh with the clean scent of rain and the sun shown sharp and radiant against the shadowed mountains and I knew, at that very moment, God was watching me, sitting there in the parking lot, staring in awe at the beautiful, natural wonder before me.
I felt loved.
And I thank my Father in Heaven for that.
