Wednesday, May 12, 2010

This ol' heart of mine...

"Hearts will never be made practical
until they are made unbreakable."
- Tinman (Wizard of Oz)

Last night I had an interesting experience pertaining to matters of the heart. I learned the wisdom in those priceless words from the Tinman whose only desire was to have a heart. Did he know when he pinpointed his greatest desire what it would entail having that precious commodity placed within his glimmering shield? The heart has to do quite the circus act to manage even beating consistently. It never fails that I am amazed by the pain that accompanies the twinging and the pulling of heartstrings. More often than not it is involuntary pain. Isn't it my heart? Shouldn't I have some sort of control over what I feel and what I want? But no, my heart pulls one way while my mind and body pull another and I end up somewhere between happiness and disgrace. And don't get me started on the tears that are shed when you find yourself in such an indefinable location.

For example, when you feel for a friend something you haven't identified with quite yet but you know something is there, how do you say the right thing after they finally tell you that they finally know how they feel? How do you justify and express that you are missing the boat and stuck with a broken paddle desperately wanting to catch up to the steaming vessel that is effortlessly coasting upstream? Currents in a river only flow one way, after all. There's only so much you can do to resist the pull of the powerful body of water that doesn't have a single doubt as to where it is going and it's purpose in it's consistent flow. A river isn't afraid to rapidly flow over rocks, trees, banks, anything that gets in it's way...if only I could be so sure of my path...

Now I'm in the middle of a raging river with said broken paddle, not getting anywhere, and I watch with a longing, aching heart as what could have been my rescue, moves on. Eventually the watchtower won't even bother to try and see me struggling in the distance anymore. There are other boats that will come...aren't there?

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