This ol' heart of mine...

"Hearts will never be made practical

until they are made unbreakable."

- Tinman (Wizard of Oz)

Last night I had an interesting experience pertaining to matters of the heart. I learned the wisdom in those priceless words from the Tinman whose only desire was to have a heart. Did he know when he pinpointed his greatest desire what it would entail having that precious commodity placed within his glimmering shield? The heart has to do quite the circus act to manage even beating consistently. It never fails that I am amazed by the pain that accompanies the twinging and the pulling of heartstrings. More often than not it is involuntary pain. Isn't it my heart? Shouldn't I have some sort of control over what I feel and what I want? But no, my heart pulls one way while my mind and body pull another and I end up somewhere between happiness and disgrace. And don't get me started on the tears that are shed when you find yourself in such an indefinable location.


For example, when you feel for a friend something you haven't identified with quite yet but you know something is there, how do you say the right thing after they finally tell you that they finally know how they feel? How do you justify and express that you are missing the boat and stuck with a broken paddle desperately wanting to catch up to the steaming vessel that is effortlessly coasting upstream? Currents in a river only flow one way, after all. There's only so much you can do to resist the pull of the powerful body of water that doesn't have a single doubt as to where it is going and it's purpose in it's consistent flow. A river isn't afraid to rapidly flow over rocks, trees, banks, anything that gets in it's way...if only I could be so sure of my path...

Now I'm in the middle of a raging river with said broken paddle, not getting anywhere, and I watch with a longing, aching heart as what could have been my rescue, moves on. Eventually the watchtower won't even bother to try and see me struggling in the distance anymore. There are other boats that will come...aren't there?

Funny

I was browsing around on facebook earlier and found the following posted to my friends status. I laughed out loud at work and had to blog it.

"TICK WARNING! I hate it when people post bogus warnings, but this one is real. Please repost this as your status! If someone comes to your front door saying they are checking for ticks due to the warm weather and ask you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up, DO NOT DO IT! THIS IS A SCAM! They only want to see you naked. I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid... :/"

too funny!!

Late night talks...

Last night I stayed up late talking with a dear friend of mine about life and how it is hard sometimes. She had had a really rough night that ended with a broken heart and was very upset. We talked about trials and what they really are and what they really do for us in this life. Though it is hard to struggle and to see those we love struggle, I am so eternally grateful for trials and hardships that our Father in Heaven allows us to go through. I am who I am today because of the hard times in my life. Life isn't always filled with downs, but when it's not one thing it is bound to be another and the faster we learn that we must pace ourselves with patience in enduring the things that happen to us in this life, the more we will gain the strength that was intended to come from them. It is truly comforting and inspiring to know that no matter what we may be going through, we are never alone and there is someone who knows exactly how we feel.

"Look Down, Look Down, Don't look 'em in the eye..."

Last night Tawny, Sabrina and I went to see Les Misérables at Bonneville High School and they did a great job. It was so fun to sit there and be taken back to my jr. year in high school when we did Les Misérables in our theater department. So very many wonderful memories I have performing that show. Funny the emotion that certain memories can stir up. I really did enjoy performing. Being a part of something creates a part of you that you can never lose. As I watched the performers on stage last night, giving their all and pushing themselves to the limit, I couldn't help but feel a sense of longing to be back in their shoes. The smells, the sounds, the issues, the exhaustion...yet somehow, I don't miss it enough to wish it was all still a part of my life. I have found new passions and new things to be a part of. I'm grateful for the experiences in life and the process of elimination, so to speak, that each experience makes us go through.

Sometimes...

Sometimes in life you have to take a moment, sit back, choose to smile, and accept that some things are just bound to happen.

Sometimes all the lights will turn red on your way to work.

Sometimes you will spend a few extra minutes in the bathroom.

Sometimes you will have extra fatty layers on your body.

Sometimes you will receive things you are undeserving of.

Sometimes there won't be any way around being sick.

Sometimes you just won't have enough money.

Sometimes you simply won't survive without your favorite treat that is in no way good for you.

Sometimes you will be in trouble.

Sometimes people just won't like you, even when you did nothing to wrong them.

Sometimes you won't escape the freak snowstorm.

Sometimes you will forget your best friends birthday.

Sometimes you will fight with the ones you love.

Sometimes the baby will spit up on you.

Sometimes you will run out of toilet paper...on the roll and under the sink.

Sometimes the diaper will smell REALLY bad.

Sometimes you will fail a test.

Sometimes someone else will refuse to see your perspective.

Sometimes the sunset will make you cry.

Sometimes you will step on a thorn in your bare feet.

Sometimes you won't be able to let go.

Sometimes your fist will clench up when thinking about politics.

Sometimes gritting your teeth won't take away the pain.

Sometimes your cheeks are going to hurt from laughter.

Sometimes the rock in your shoe won't come out till the third try.

Sometimes the milk in the fridge will be bad.

Sometimes the shower will be cold.

Sometimes your flip-flop will break.

Sometimes your voice will squeak while trying to sing.

Sometimes you will forget the conversation you had with your mother the night before.

Sometimes you will be taken for granted.

Sometimes you will have to listen to the neighbors dog bark at 3a.m.

Sometimes you will need a hug.

Sometimes you will fall asleep on the couch and wake up with a kink in your neck.

Sometimes you will recognize that your parents really do love you.

Sometimes you will waste time.

Sometimes the mousetrap won't catch the mouse.

Sometimes the wind will knock down the fence.

Sometimes seeing a child smile will take your breath away.

Sometimes the movie will suck.

Sometimes grandma will hug you too tight.

Sometimes you will let yourself dance and sing in the car.

Sometimes the frost on your windshield will make you late for work.

Sometimes the joke will be on you.

Sometimes you will feel sad.

Sometimes you will be uncontrollably happy.

Sometimes you will know...

Sometimes you won't...

Try to remember that all the "sometimes" are creating your lifetime...all the time. Each moment is part of something and each blink becomes a sometime. Enjoy your "sometime" moments.

Rocks and shiny things...

One of my amazing friends, Michelle, got engaged yesterday and it made my heart all a flutter. It feels so good to be so happy for her even though the love I wish I had by my side isn't here right now. Sometimes I see the selfishness of others when they can't be happy for their friends when something WONDERFUL happens to them and it makes me sad. Everyone deserves excitement when something exciting happens to them. My plug is for everyone to look outside themselves and see things through a different pair of goggles. I picture a moment of bliss...for me it includes every tidbit of good news I've ever gotten from a friend because to me the smiles they share when they tell me their news if proof to me that good things still happen in this scary world we live it. Each smile gives me hope and happiness on my own roller coaster of life. Each smile proves to me that God blesses our lives. Each smile satisfies my need for happiness. Seeing the joy in the lives of those I love and care for humbles me and makes feel an emotion that surpasses it all....gratitude.

Life is beautiful.

Isn't the word "April" pretty??

The following explains the past month of no new entries.

I AM A

S unshine outside...blogging inside?? please!!

L oans...yes, I'm training on them at work. Exhausting !

A mazon.com...this site will be the death of my bank account. I'm searching for camera gear. YAY!

C ranky. Mood swings are a part of being a woman. Accept it or misery awaits you...

K eys of my piano...yup wrote a new song. Love.

E nergy...haven't had enough of it, sadly.

R omance. No one physically here with me yet...but I'm in love, and it's very distracting.

Hopefully April brings a lot less snow and a lot more sunshine, giving me the enthusiasm to share my life through words.